Posted 18 April 2012 - 12:17 PM
I stumbled on these ATC funnies recently on a portuguese sports forum and want to share them with you (I had to translate some from portuguese):
During an instruction flight in Cascais (LPCS):
TWR: CS-### proceed direct Cascais Bay.
CS-###: Proceding direct Cascais Gay
Heard on Lisboa Information:
ATC: CS-### descend to 2000 feet direct Evora, report field in sight.
CS-###: Descending to 2000 feet, direct Evora, will report with field in sight.
(10 minutes later, the aircraft is above the airfield but still no report)
ATC: CS-### confirm field in sight?
ATC: Look down under you!!
ATC: PortugalxxxX, vacate via S1 to Stand A16.
PortugalXXX: Via s1 to A16, PortugalXXXX.
ATC1: Like I was saying, the broad looks a bit out of date but I've been doing her and she still got the moves.
ATC2: But who?
ATC1: Xxxx from operations.
ATC2: You don't say! Didn't know...
ATC1: Look, the spanish one over there.
ATC: OK. SkyjetXXXX wind from xxxxº yyyy knots, cleared for line up and take-off rwy 03. After departure approach on 119.10!
ATC1: Look at that spanish son of a I TRIED TO USE A PROFANITY HERE - AREN'T I STUPID!, he's leaving without a reply!
(no wonder, with the frequency blocked by tower)
Heard on 118.2: - Dear crew this is your capt. speaking. We are a little late and lost the slot...(1/2 more minutes of cabin talk ensues)
Finally the pilot stops talking and clears the frequency. Tower then says:
TWR: -XPT123 you have been transmiting on 118,2.
XPT123: -###### I'll have to say it all again!
Heard on Lisbon (LPPT) tower frequency on Christmas eve 2005. Aircraft involved may have been a PGA (Portugalia)
Acft: Lisbon Tower, good afternoon. PGAxxx established ILS rwy03
Twr: PGAxxx, good afternoon. Winds xxx with xx, continue approach.
PGAxxx: PGAxxx, roger. Continuing approach.
PGA continues approach... lands... clears the runway... and seconds later the tower speaks:
Twr: Hey PGAxxx... did I give you the clear to land ??
Acft: No ... but we looked down, we saw the runway was clear... and landed. We are now clearing via S1...
Twr: I knew I had forgotten something... PGAxxx, contact Ground em 121.75. Merry Christmas.
"Hey Lisboa information, could you find us some little vector that will get me home?"
"Hey Cs-***, so and what's your home address?"
LPPT (Lisboa), some 15 years ago:
Twr: Delta (ou TWA, don't recall), proceed holding point 03, via x, y, z...
Delta: Could you say again?
Twr: Delta xx, proceed holding point 03, etc, etc.
Delta: I'm really sorry, could you say that again?
Twr (in a bored tone): Proceed holding point 03 via... (all of it again)
Delta: Ok, copied all. Thank you m'am.
Twr (really upset): I'm not a man, I'm a woman!!!
On Cascais Tower frequency:
CS-###, Cascais, clear to land runway 35 wind ###/##
Cascais, rgr clr to land rwy 35.
(another speaker comes up)
-Looks its ####, is everything ok, buddy?
-Hey its ####, everything's fine!
-When are you coming down there for some lunch? ?
-Hey buddy, let me land first!
After several failed atempts to transmit:
Alfa: Bravo do you read now?
Bravo: Read you Alfa 5/5.
Alfa: Oh man, I had inserted my jack on the passenger's slot, that's why I couldn't talk.
Bravo: Right, that happens to me also at home, sometimes I insert the jack on the wrong slot and the wife stops talking too...!
A beautiful sunny spring afternoon in 1995.
Lisboa App: Hey CS-xxx, could you confirm what area are you overflying now?
(Reply comes in a "Ok, I'm the best pilot in the world flying with my beautiful broad" tone)
CS-xxx: Like its usual at this time of day, I am flying over xxx, enjoying such a beautiful spring afternoon, looking at nature and waiting for the sun to set so that my passenger next to me can witness such a beautiful and marvelous show...
(With irony)Lis App: Look CS-xxx, then, for your information and your company's/girlfriend's, I suggest you make an imediate turn to xxx, because, as usual, at this time of day, you'll be crossing a notam area, with live ammunition firing, and if you won't, I am sure you'll be watching an even more interesting, and luminous, show than the sun setting.
CS-xxx: Of course Lisboa, right away. My apologies.
Heard on Ponta Delgada, Azores Islands:
LPPD_APP: RZO123 contact Santa Maria 132.15. Good night and merry christmas.
RZO123 : 132.15. So, where will you be spending christmas?
LPPD_APP: I'll be spending christmas in the continent (Portugal mainland).
RZO123 : You'll be travelling in our company, I hope!
LPPD_APP: No! I'll be in my son's company...
(...) silence (...)
RZO123 : 132.15, merry christmas.
Pilot: 'Good morning, Bratislava.'
Tower: 'Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna.'
Pilot: 'I am now on landing approach to Bratislava.'
Tower: 'This really is Vienna.'
Pilot: 'But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.'
Tower: 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left.'
Tower: 'Height and position?'
Pilot: 'I am 1.80 m and I'm sitting in the front on the left side."
Oporto...soccer match in the afternoon...world championship 2006...Portugal x Iran...
Torre: Portugal XXX cleared to land runway 35
Acft: Cleared to land runway 35...by the way...what's the score?
Torre: 2-0, Ronaldo scored by penalty
Acft: thank you, it's so that I can pass onto the passengers.
At the end of the game, and even though no airplane was being monitored, we heard:
Tower: to whom it may interest, 3-0.
Lisboa, a few years ago. Iberia on final:
Iberia: excuse me madam, but is that the Salazar bridge?
Torre: (silence)...no sir...that is the vinte cinco de abril bridge (25th of April bridge)
Iberia: ok...its been a while since I landed in Lisboa.
(the bridge's name was changed from Salazar's bridge to 25 de Abril in 1974)
"Euro 2004, the day of Portugal-Holland soccer match, I did the Amsterdam flight that morning and when we arrived they gave us runway 18R (the one that requires a 20 minute long taxi, about 6 km to reach the ramp). Still on downwind I asked if 18C was available, as other aircraft were being vectored to it, and the answer was "negative". Some 10 seconds later we heard:
"Ok, Air Portugal XXX, you are cleared for rwy18C, this time you were lucky, but TONIGHT you won't be....."
Generalized laugh in the frequency (and fortunately, he was wrong...)"
Heard on LPPT 118.1
Tower:Lufthansa Four sex...SIX.... (no idea what the controller was thinking about)